Water, water, everywhere…

I cannot get this picture out my head.

I see beautiful waters many miles wide, glistening on the surface, but as shallow as the beginnings of a blade of grass. Standing by those waters I see many, many people. Thirsty people, who dive in and are hurt because of the lack of depth. I see people lying in the water, but unable to get drenched. There is great frustration amongst the people. It looks like a lot of water, but there is no depth.

I know God is speaking. I know He is trying to tell me that He should be more than a surface reflection in our lives. The waters must be deep or we will only frustrate the world.

Second:

Some time ago I asked someone I deeply respect about the place that the church (in general and specifically) is in right now – hungry, but not hungry enough. Thirsty, but not really thirsty. Wanting, but not desperate enough to push past the obstacles. The answer I was given took me by surprise – “It is as if there is a vast ocean of Glory and the deep waters of God just in front of us, but we are content to dance around the puddles.”

Let me tell you, I do not want the appearance of water. I want water.I do not want to look like I know God. I want to know God.I do not want to serve you with dry pitchers; I want to serve you His Living Water.

Genesis 1:20And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly…

Psalm 65:10You water the field’s furrows abundantly…

Psalm 104:16The trees of the Lord are watered abundantly…

Are you one of the desperate people standing on the perimeter of the water, caught up in great frustration? If you are, dear one, I promise you there is a river…there is a great supply. But understand, your church is not your source… God is. You do not have to wait for your pastor to lead you to the waters on Sunday morning, nor do you have to wait for choirs and angels to usher you in. You do not have to perform well to receive it. You cannot buy it. You cannot work for it. It is free. It has been paid for. It is yours for the asking.

Isaiah 55
¹WAIT and listen, everyone who is thirsty! Come to the waters; and he who has no money, come, buy and eat! Yes, come, buy [priceless, spiritual] wine and milk without money and without price [simply for the self-surrender that accepts the blessing].

Fresh, pure, unending supply of His Holy Spirit, His power and strength, His provision… all for the “self-surrender that accepts the blessing.”

Surrender… and accept the waters.

A Maasai Prayer

Lord, sweeten the waters
Lord, sweeten the grass
Lord, sweeten and swell all the rivers
Lord, thicken all forests
Lord, sweeten all animals.

Lord, give us land
Lord, let the land be green
Lord, give us rains
Lord, give us fruitful lands
Lord, sweeten all rivers.

And I add:

Make them Deep, O God.

The Biggest Change of All

Can I talk to you about the most extreme change God has brought in my life? There are so many, but it isn’t hard to choose. And though I know most would automatically say their biggest change or transformation was in their salvation, I cannot really say that. I know that may sound strange, but you see, I am a preacher’s kid and I gave my heart to Jesus so early in life that I didn’t feel a huge yoke fall away. I had no time to actually be terribly bad before I asked Him to be my savior. Do you see what I am saying? I mean, spiritually transformation took place, but in this flesh, I experienced little change.

Still, I could offer you many other wonderful changes; the change from fearing God’s wrath to experiencing His goodness (huge); from feeling like a failure to believing I could do anything God asked me to do (phenomenal); or delivering me from years of bulimia (life-changing); or setting me free from wrong mindsets because of abuse I experienced as a child (can I get a witness?). There have been so many wonderful changes in my life because of God. I could truly never name them all. But I have to say the most stunningly miraculous thing He has done in this life is teach me a new way to love. He has literally enlarged my capacity to really love. Not Him. I have always loved Him like crazy. But He changed me most when He opened my heart to love His people.

 

Now, I know that may sound strange to you, and in all honesty, it seemed strange to me at the time. I had been serving God for 35 years, teaching, leading ministries, working in high level positions- all for God, and out of my love for God. So when He began to deal with this part of my life, I was shocked. I thought this was one area that was in actually in good shape. I did not know that I needed to be transformed in my love walk, because I was always doing stuff for His people, always busy, always pouring, and always surrounded by the work of the ministry. But through a series of events and personal revelations, the Lord began to show me that if I were to truly be about His business, I would have to be about His people.

 

My first clue that something was off center was when I went to a training seminar with one of my friends and co-leaders. We sat down in the back and began to listen to the teacher. It was great, right up until the time he said… “Now, let’s break into groups of three or four and have some discussion time… Oh, and do not stay with the people you came with.” I thought I was going to be sick. It was a revelation. I could easily stand in front of a thousand people and talk about Jesus and not bat an eyelash. But the one on one, face to face, made me break out in hives.

 

Then a little while later, the Lord began to point some small things out to me, like how I would leave skid marks getting out the side door after I would speak at an event. Or how I would leave people asking, “Where’d she go?” And after particularly bombarded times or a conference with long prayer lines, I would retreat for days. I thought I was tired, but I was actually just in hiding.

 

It’s funny now, because if you had asked me, I would have told you I was very sociable, very approachable, very available, very caring… but what I was, was afraid. I wanted to offer God to everyone, but none of myself, because in truth, if I offered me and they did not like me, I was way too insecure to deal with the rejection. So, I delivered God’s message, but fell short of offering God’s heart.

 

Then one day at a conference in Missouri, standing in front of thousands, the Lord did something. As I watched the women sing and worship, and cry and sway, God opened my eyes. In the briefest of moments and the most profound of glimpses, He opened a window for me in the spirit and allowed me the most minute foray into His love for the people who stood in that room. The most brief fragrance of God-love and it completely took my breath away and absolutely buckled my knees. I felt like I had been hit with a sledgehammer. I had never experienced anything like it. The best way I could describe it would be to take that first night in the hospital, when you held your baby for the very first time in the quiet and stillness of the room… when you looked at their face and were absolutely overwhelmed with the awe, the responsibility, the intense and possessive love that only the one who carried and delivered can feel… that amazing and scary love… and now multiply it until the breath leaves your body.

 

That is God love. I cried the ugly cry until I could not cry anymore. My eyes were swollen, my head hurt, and people were walking several paces ahead of me pretending not to hear my wailing, but none of it mattered, because God had given me revelation. Painful, repentance inducing revelation, and I felt as if I would never see the world in the same way. And I can honestly tell you… I never have.

 

It shook everything I thought I knew about myself. That glimpse lifted years of Christian veneer off of my life. All of the religiosity fell off. All of the lingo I had learned, all of the methods and patterns and habits just came unglued in that moment. And I cried. I just thought I had cried before, but God changed me that night. He got into rooms in my heart that I did not even know existed and cleaned house. It was just the most painfully glorious thing I have ever experienced with Him. He emptied me, and then He did the most marvelous thing, like a breath sweeping the room, He filled me with a new capacity for God-love.

 

He so messed me up.

 

I am changed. My life is different. It is crazy different. I walk through much of it feeling like a fingernail torn into the quick, but it is such a good pain, because I have found His heart… and it is you.

 

Dear One, if you are looking for Him, if you are searching for the heart of God, look beside you. Go horizontal.

 

I think one of the most profound things the Father shared with me about this was a simple illustration. I have three children, Aaron (24), Matthew (21), and Kayti (14). They are my heart. Aaron and Matthew have my wild hair and warped sense of humor. Kayti has a wicked awesome wit, my teenage form and my expressive eyebrows. When they enter a room, my breath catches. I would without hesitation die for any one of them. They are mine. They are me.

 

Now…

You may think you love me, and even tell me you love me, but if you see Aaron, Matt, or Kayti on the side of the road and you know them to be my children, and do not stop to help them, your actions expose your heart. If you can pass them by, I no longer believe you when you say you love me. Because if you love me – really love me – you will love them.

 

It is so simple it is hard.

I John 3:

14We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death. 15Anyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life in him.

16This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. 17If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? 18Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. 19This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence

I can honestly tell you that the most extreme makeover I have been through in my life is that His people now break my heart for a completely different reason. I no longer sneak out the side door and I no longer hide in the back. God has opened my arms, and opened my heart. It is the most amazing thing imaginable to me that God can give you a love for people that just takes your breath away. And in that… I truly know I have passed from death to life.

 

And oh what a life it is…

Water to Me

I have never been the type to wade gently into the water looking all graceful and dignified.

I am more the run-jump-hold-your-nose-plunge-splash kind of girl.I always thought the others looked pretty, but knew they could not possibly be having nearly as much fun as I was.After all, while they were standing ankle deep in tepid salt water, the waves splashing gently around their ankles, I was soaked, sputtering, coughing like crazy, and had sea weed in my teeth… Ah, the bliss.Your eyes stung, every scrape (and I had plenty) came alive with the fire of painful cleansing, and your feet sank into things best left undiscovered.

My sisters all thought I was nuts (not much has changed, by the way…).They were girl-girls.They had no idea how much fun a starfish could be when stuck to your leg, or how it felt to be thrown from a horse or hit in the face with a basketball.My sisters did not know the thrill of stealing third base, or riding dirt bikes without mom’s permission.They did not know that stars are best viewed at 1:00 am after climbing out your window and onto the roof in your orange high- top converse and night gown.Simple things, really.They could have done any of these things… but no… they liked it safe and organized and all planned out.

I began most mornings looking for socks and homework, while my sisters rolled their eyes and tapped their dainty toes in frustration.

I remember running out the front door one morning, jumping down the front steps and falling very ungracefully at the feet of my embarrassed older sisters.They looked at my mom and asked, “Oh, mother, what are we going to do about Barbie?”

Duh, Hello!I thought.You could help me get up!See, I thought they were asking what they should do at the moment, when in fact it was my whole life that left them scratching their heads and walking many paces ahead of me in public.

I did not fit in.I never have.I have always heard a different drum beat in my spirit. I knew that life was supposed to be a grand adventure, and I did not want to miss a moment of it indoors where the world lost its wondrous beauty.I needed sunshine on my face and cool grass beneath my bare feet.I needed hills to climb and puppies to wrestle. I loved to laugh and I loved to sing at the top of my voice… with only God listening.

I learned at an early age that God created creeks for lonely children with curly red hair, and that dogwood blooms fit perfectly in small hands with dirty fingernails.For, you see, God has always loved me more than I deserved and more extravagantly than I could fathom.

He has always been water to me.

And he shewed me a pure river of water of life, clear as crystal,

proceeding out of the throne of God and of the Lamb.

Revelation 22:1

Eternal Conversations

God is calling His children closer to Himself.

I know this, not because someone told me, but because I am experiencing it my own life.I used to think that God just wanted me to be good.Now I know He just wants me close to Him.Period. The rest will take care of itself.

It would be great to be good enough to approach Him, but if we wait for that… well, it just isn’t going to happen.I keep thinking, if I could work out the whole perfection thing…, but both He and I know that is not going to happen on this side of eternity.So, what we have covenanted to do in the interim is to stay as close to one another as possible.From here to eternity, so to speak.

He is staying as close as I will let Him.

I am staying as close as my disobedient flesh will allow.

I pray every day for more of Him and less of me, then stand amazed when a fiery trial comes along that burns away a tad of flesh.Indignant, I turn accusing eyes to Him.

“What’s going on here, God?”I ask in my most perplexed voice.

“You asked for more of Me and less of you…”

“Yeah, but you never said it would hurt!”

“Oh really?Have you heard of Peter?”

(I Peter 4:12 to be exact… ¹²Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you.)

“Okay, but can I have more of You without less of me?I mean, I can make lots of room for you.”

“No, Child.You really are too full of yourself…”

“Ouch! That hurt!”

…do not be surprised

And the perfecting process goes on…

UNBROKEN

I recently had the wonderful opportunity (though it did not seem wonderful in the least) to grow in sympathy by experiencing the deep pain of a very personal rejection.

Very personal, though not my own.

I think I could have handled it with so much more detachment if it had been mine alone.  For (sarcasm) I have been given the amazing super power of  erecting sudden walls that have the ability to keep  practically everyone at arms length for years on end.  But  you see it wasn’t my rejection.  It was  the rejection of someone I loved more than myself, and to watch them suffer truly broke my heart.

But before my heart could rightly break, my anger had to.  It had to find a voice.  I wanted to hit something.  No.  Someone.  I wanted to rail, to rage, to confront, to stomp… to cry.  And I chose the most familiar voice.

In the end, I literally put myself between my friend and her accusers.  Moved her behind me , putting her between me and the wall.  And I prayed as hot tears fell and I sought to keep evil at bay (another superpower)  for a moment … as my soul wept out loud.

Though I knew I wasn’t, I felt very alone.

And then they came.  As welcome as a warm wind in the dead of winter: The family.  Not family of blood, but family of faith, stronger and kinder most times, choosing you rather than tolerating  you because of shared DNA.   Stealth family.   They moved in silently and claimed the air before anyone knew what had happened.  The atmosphere shifted around me.  Reinforcements had come.  And I could breathe again, as she and I were quietly and completely engulfed in a safe circle.  A momentary personal sanctuary… built of friends.

And I no longer felt alone.

In that moment, as rending pain and piercing aloneness was swallowed up in fierce friendship and God-company, He reminded me that this is what He does…  this standing between our accuser and us all the while surrounding us with fresh family, and purposeful wing-men.

I was and am so grateful… for both.

We faced the pain together, because that was the right thing to do.  And when we left the battlefield, we left whole.  We left as one.

That too was right.Flanks covered, prayers offered, the accuser lost.
Again.

And the safe circle…
Remains unbroken.

A Simple Life

I loved going to the ocean when I was a child.

We did not have any money to speak of, but every year we would make the trek to Daytona Beach for a full week. It has been 28 years since we took such a trip, but I remember it like it was yesterday.

Mom would put us all to bed about 10:00 PM so we would be nice and tired. She would let us sleep until about 2:00 AM when we would smell the chicken frying in the kitchen. Mama always fried up some chicken for the drive. It took a lot of money to feed four girls and two parents, so we ate in the car along the way. We knew if the chicken was frying it was time to get ready. We didn’t get up, mind you. We didn’t do that ‘til it was time to go. But in my minds eye, I was already walking the gritty sand beach feeling the sun on my freckled cheeks.

We would all pile into the black station wagon at around 3:00 AM, still in our pajama’s; sleep still our closest companion, and the smell of warm chicken and the sound of Mama and Daddy’s muted voices would put us back to sleep. We’d awaken around 7:00 or 8:00 and the “are we there yet’s” would begin in earnest.

I did not know as a child that others had more than I did, or perhaps that I was even looked down upon because of my family’s poverty. I had no idea that my shoes were not supposed to be too big, or that all mom’s did not make their children’s clothes. I did not know that all trips to Florida did not end at the Thunderbird Hotel, or that the drive could be made in air conditioned vehicles with stops at actual restaurants… and it was beyond my comprehension that my mama’s fried chicken was not the food of kings.

Today I know the blessing of air conditioned cars and wearing shoes that I have chosen. I know the feel of silk upon my skin and the luxury of restaurants on long drives. Yes,
God has been extravagant in His provision for my family over the years. Still, in all of the change there has been a constant… My mama’s fried chicken is still the food of Kings.

The years of financial lack were nothing in comparison to the great wealth we enjoyed in that station wagon my daddy spray painted black. We would sing so loud the cars passing us would turn and stare… of course it could have been the spray paint, but we thought it was because of the beautiful music coming from within. We would laugh so hard we cried. Mama would pass out chicken and paper cups full of cold water. The wind blew through the windows and ruffled our hand made clothes, and my daddy would laugh a rich, throaty laugh as the passing drivers shook their heads in dismay.

And in those moments, the world was rich and wet and wonderful…
and we were fully invested.

Sometimes we have it all right in front of us, but cannot see what we have for all that we think we want.

A simple life in the Fear-of-GOD is better than a rich life with a ton of headaches. Proverbs 15:16 (Message Bible)

The Music Box

When I was little girl my mother bought me a music box. It was an ordinary little white, flowery, square box that I presume most little girls had at one point or another in their childhood. When you opened the lid of the box a small spring-held ballerina would arise and begin her twirling dance.I loved that music box. For years I could hear the tune playing in the back of my soul.

The plinking notes did not capture me, but instead, the sound of my mother’s voice as she would wind the tiny box and begin the tucking in process…Around the world I searched for you…sheets blankets clean and crisp from hanging in the sunshine on our clothesline, now deftly drawn up to my chin; I traveled on when hope was gone…sides tucked in close, now safe and sound, the smell of ivory soap still clinging to her skin; I knew somewhere, sometime, somehow… hand upon my forehead, she’d push the crazy curls back and lean in and kiss me right between the eyes and smile… You would look at me, I’d see you smile… “I love you, Barbie.” She would turn, wind the box one more time, click off the light, and I would watch her chenille bathrobe clear the door frame as her house shoes patted down the hallway into the living room.

Though no longer in the room, still she remained; the touch, the aroma, the love, flowed through the song and dance of the ballerina and the toy tones of the inexpensive box.Around the world I searched for you…I was loved and comforted.

That phrase always made me feel wonderful on the inside. So wonderful, in fact, I would keep rewinding the music box until my mother would finally call out, “Last time, dear.” I truly believed my mom had chosen that music box specifically for me, and this was her way of letting me know she had longed for me all of her life. In those moments I felt unbelievably special. I mean, I must have been for her to say that she had searched the world for me.

Time after time in the lonely stillness of the night, I would slide the music box deep beneath my covers and wind the tiny key, releasing my mother’s love into the dark recesses of the room, Around the world I searched for you…, and I would close my eyes and rest.

Even today, the tune winds through my heart and tears halt just beneath the surface of this child-turned-woman’s eyes. But now, in my advancing years, a deeper, more profound voice has been added to the song. There is now a peaceful tucking that has nothing to do with blankets but everything to do with linen cloths. A leaning in and rustling that has nothing to do with childhood curls, but everything to do with my rebellious nature. A kiss that still hits between the eyes and goes straight to the heart.

In inky blackness and starry night He sings over me. Always about His ministrations, He hovers and covers and sees to my well being. His goodness and His constant song remind me that I am His and He absolutely did search the world for me.

And in this moment, the song continues… I feel unbelievably loved…and sought.